


Jack: Rise, Be the Cancer

by shadowdx118



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Hinted Relationships, Just haven't gotten to writing to that part yet, Just haven't typed it yet..., Lots of people are gonna die later, Only obvious relationship is Jack and the Queen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, There are going to be a lot more characters sooner or later, Well what did you expect?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-28 18:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowdx118/pseuds/shadowdx118
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follow the story of Homestuck from the perspective of one of its villains, Jack Noir as he goes from Archagent to Sovereign Slayer. Follow his rise to power as he uses his monarch's ring to wreak havoc across his session and then obliterates the next. What could possibly stop his bloody trail if the gods in his session were no match for him? Perhaps the one with the other ring?</p><p>[Writer's Note: I'm sorry, I've discontinued this project. This was meant to follow the canon, and pretty soon, Hussie is going to screw me over in terms of what actually is canon, so the months I tried to put into this might go down the drain, and the alt timelines and the abrupt cut off for Jack's story, I can't do much. My first draft is completely caught up with the canon, but for all I know, Hussie might just kill it all together. tl;dr: Things got wayyyyyyyy too complicated and I can't finish. Also, I've lost most of my interest in Homestuck.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Career Day

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers, spoilers, and lots and lots of spoilers. Did I mention spoilers? If you haven't finished Homestuck, or caught up with it, then go do that. I'll wait.  
> ...  
> ...  
> Okay, remember this follows Homestuck from Jack's PoV. At first it preceeds it, telling us about Jack's past and how he became Archagent then we get into the fun stuff.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack, still relatively young, is still training to become the new Archagent. He's doing quite well, especially with hiding his horribly short temper. However his patience will be heavily tested when he has to fill in for his predecessor, the Sagacious Administrator, for Career Day and deal with all the annoying student-agents. But the day's antics aren't over when he has no other choice but to interview an incoming agent, whom supposedly exceeded all expectations. Jack's day isn't over when the Queen calls him in for a very "important" and private meeting.

How long had it been? Two lunar cycles? Three? Jack no longer bothered counting. He was bored to death of it all. ‘It’ll be great’ they said, ‘you’re a prodigy’ they said… since when was paperwork great? So much for being the second highest ranked Derse agent.

He felt like he was not even close to the highest rank, but at the bottom of the food chain. And as a Dersite, being at the bottom of the food chain is the last place anyone would want to be.

Jack had originally started off his training to become a skilled assassin. It was what he did best, even when he was younger. He had a special talent in making other carapaces simply… disappear. No evidence, no hints, nothing. They would vanish and then reappear dead halfway across the whole planet. That’s what got him the title of agent so early in his life.

But that wasn’t good to some of the senior agents. Apparently, the Archagent preceding him was in dire need of an apprentice, and of all possible agents, Jack was chosen.

The entire situation seemed like a total joke to Jack. He had grown up on the streets, not in some fancy palace like the rest of his so-called family. But somehow by magic or whatever childish bedtime story that he had forced himself to believe in that moment, he had discovered (by a lot of mandatory blood tests that were need for agent records) that he was, in fact, a member of the highest social standings, just behind the monarchs, a Spades blood.

Being a Spade blood disgusted Jack, he was fine with being a classless, and he had been one as long as he could remember. And just being thrown into this position was a little overwhelming. It was too much responsibility to waste his precious time when he could be killing other carapaces.

But no, he was a Spades blooded Dersite. And as someone of such high and ‘noble’ blood, he was left with no other option. He had to fulfill an obligation as the ‘aristocratic class’ and take the high ranking government position.

On this particular day, he had just finished his shift, which was basically sitting alone in an office with nothing to do except examine his trusty knife (that seemed to be losing its edge) and occasionally get yelled at by the Queen.

Out of curiosity, Jack eavesdropped on the Archagent’s shift a few times and the Queen never gave him trouble. That confused him. Why did she always pick on him? He was still just a young new agent, what was with that?

Whatever the case was, Jack was not expecting the Archagent to walk in on him so suddenly. Jack was actually caught completely off guard with the Sagacious Administrator’s entrance. He nearly lost his balance, and almost fell off his chair.

“Oh, sorry about that, Jack, I didn’t mean to catch you off guard like that,” The Administrator said somewhat embarrassed, but he kept his usual calm tone, “but I was meaning to ask you to do me a very important favor.”

Jack recomposed himself and sat up straight. He looked at the Administrator with a superficial smile, “Well, it depends, sir. What would you like me to do, sir?”

“Jack, you know better than to try to use your so-called ‘charm’ on me. It ain’t ever gonna work.”

“Damn it. So what do you want?” Jack’s expression returned to his usual scowl.

“I need two favors. First I need you to do some interviews with some new agents, and since you are getting close to being the Archagent, I thought I’d let you know you need a right-hand guy—”

“Sorry, but I work alone. I don’t like to have to work with others. If you want the job done right, do it yourself.” Jack snapped in an icy tone.

The Administrator sighed. “Jack, I’m trying to help you. Please try to understand that. I know as well as you do that you hate doing work, it would save you some time and energy. Even I had a right-hand agent before I took you on as an apprentice.”

Jack, clearly bored, rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, and what happened to them?”

“She was killed in a Resistance Movement attack.”

Jack bit his lip. He remembered hearing about that. Well he was much younger. The Resistance Movement is a terrorist organization (if the Dersites called it a terrorist group then it was definitely bad) that is against the war over Skaia. They weren’t always violent, but they were always extremists. It wasn’t that long ago when they devolved to terrorism. Even Jack hated their methods. Supposedly, whoever was the Administrator’s right hand agent was actually next in line to be Archagent but she was caught in an explosion set up for the Queen. Jack didn’t know a lot of the story, but that was what he heard, and he was constantly watching his own back because of it.

“Well, I guess, I should, but I am not doing Career day, it’s just a waste of my time.” Jack finally said.

“Jack, it is only for a few hours. It’ll be over before you even realize it.”

“But it’s not fair…”

“Jack, I have way too many meetings to handle those two simple tasks and if doing a small favor for me isn’t fair, then what is?”

“But…” Jack continued to protest.

“Jack, they’re your age group. You’ll be able to talk to them. Though with the way you’re acting, they’ll definitely think you’re younger.” The Administrator said.

“They’re all older than me, though.”

“Jack, you aren’t just going to complain your way out of it. I would rather be doing Career Day myself but I just have too much on my schedule.  Furthermore, when you’re Archagent you’ll have to deal with this every year for the rest of your life.”

“Do I really have to?”

“Yes, now go prepare some lesson plans and just try to be nice.”

Jack nodded in defeat.

That was only a few days ago. Today, Jack stands before a crowd of student-agents.

“Okay,” Jack announced in monotone boredom as he looked down at his clipboard with all his notes, “welcome, everyone to Career Day. Today, the current Archagent is busy with other matters, so today I’ll be filling in for—”

The crowd of students ignores him completely. They continued to chat and pay him no attention. Did he not speak loudly enough? Only a few moments in and he was already suffering. Stupid graveyard stuffers, the sooner the day was done the better.

“Hey! Shut your fucking mouths for one fucking minute and listen to me!” The crowd final dies down. “Finally… Well, as I was saying, today I’ll be filling for the Archagent—”

A student interrupted him, “Ha! You? A kid? You have got to be kidding me. How old are you anyway?”

“Does that matter?” Jack retorted in annoyance. “I’m your superior.”

“If you’re my superior, then I’m a human.” The same student snorted.

“I’m training to be the next Archagent, but I’m still the highest ranked agent.”

“Psssh. Ha! Yeah right.” The student laughed again.

Jack went for his knife. “You know what? I’ll show you not to mess with—”

“Hey! Just listen to the guy!” A new voice yelled.

“Thank you,” Jack grumbled, “Well, first I want all of you to break up into ten groups. Is that too hard?”

The class easily divided itself but it soon dissolved into chaos. Students argued over who could be in which group and everyone was yelling over each other just to be heard by the person next to them.

Jack stared at the class with disapproval. This is why he couldn’t stand being around these guys, they were so stupid. Why did carapaces his age have to be so stupid? Why did everyone have to be so stupid?

“That didn’t work at all.” Jack mumbled. He then shouted again, “Everyone shut the fuck up! We’re gonna try this again!”

The group silences itself.

“Thank you. We’re going to do this again, but this time, we’re going to count off to ten. Hopefully you can handle that. You there, you start.”

The students counted off until they were evenly divided as possible. Jack then assigns some of the agents to show some groups around and then takes a group for himself.

When he gets to a new area, he began to talk to the group. “Okay let’s just get the useless stuff out of the way, my name’s Jack Noir; I guess I can say I’m the Archagent-in-training. So let’s just get one thing straight, being an agent isn’t always fun and games, you actually have to work.  And trust me, whatever position you end up in, whether a Regulator or Assassin, no job is easier than the other.” Jack said this with a superficially kind tone. He had rehearsed this part carefully; he needed to make sure they understood this part. He was very relieved that they seemed to buy his act.

He felt a little relaxed until a female carapace piped up. “Question, how old are you?”

“Did you even listen to a w— never mind. I’m 320 cycles.”

“Damn, you’re even younger than m—”

“Don’t even think about finishing that sentence.” Jack growled, his friendly façade weakening.

However, that one question opened a floodgate to a whole tidal wave of more questions. “Ooh, another question, how did you get this position?” Another carapace asked.

“What’s your blood standing?”

“Why did you start so young?”

Jack completely snapped. “Everyone, just, shut the fuck up. Enough with all the personal questions. Does anyone have any legitimate questions? No? Okay. Let’s just get this over with. And to encourage all of you, if we get through all of this, I might consider answering some personal questions at the end.”

The group groaned but followed Jack through the palace.

***

By the time Jack finally finished the ‘tour’ and explaining all the jobs, he was exhausted from chasing half of them down and trying not to snap at any of them.

“And that’s it. Now please get lost.” Jack mumbled, rubbing his eyes with exhaustion.

“Uh, sir…” A student began.

“What?! What the everliving fuck do you want?!” Jack snapped. He quickly recomposes himself. “Sorry, I’m just tired. That’s all. Go on.”

“What about the personal questions?”

Jack groaned in annoyance. “Okay fine. The answers are, personal apprenticeship, I’m apparently a prodigy, Spades, assassin, 320 cycles if you forgot, black and no, I don’t care. Now, get lost.”

The students ran off and Jack slumped down into a chair. He was about to pass out when one of the other agents, the Authority Regulator nudged him awake.

“Sir, I don’t think it’s legal to sleep on the job—”

Jack cut the other carapace off, “I seriously don’t give enough of a fuck to even care. Just let me sleep for five minutes.”

“What I was going to say was that you have some interviews to perform — no, that’s wrong, you have one interview to perform, sir.”

“Can’t ya do it yaself? Or maybe some other senior agent can do it.” Jack groaned to the ceiling.

“No, sir, this is an extraordinary student-agent. He has exceeded most of the other agents’ expectations. It’s standard procedure for you to interview any agent that finishes their apprenticeshi—”

“Fuck standard procedures, I’m too tired fer this.” Jack stood up and began for the door. “The Archagent can handle it later.”

“Sir, this… this student-agent personally requested to meet specifically with you.” The Regulator’s words stopped Jack in his tracks.

“Since when do those idiots e’en care?” Jack scoffed.

“This particular one does. He thought you’d be an interesting person to get to know, sir.”

“Ha! Wow, whoe’er this kid is, they have some guts to e’en bother tryin’ to talk ta me. Just tell him I went home early.”

The Regulator looked at Jack with a disapproving glance.

“Ugh… fine. Ya win. I’ll meet him in my—err, the Archagent’s office.” Jack dragged himself down to the Archagent’s office. Much to his surprise, the rookie had arrived before him. He seemed to have been waiting for a while, as he had taken out a cigarette and started to smoke. Jack was immediately intrigued with this rookie. Never had he ever seen someone so well composed. If he really was this well composed, Jack would have to test him, subtly. But being subtle was something that was not compatible with him. He was about as subtle as a flying mallet.

“Alright, rookie, let’s get this over with, I ain’t got all fuckin’ day, ya know.” Jack half grumbled, his words were half slurred from exhaustion. “So what’s ya title?”

“I am the Draconian Dignitary, Archagent Noir, sir.”

Jack scoffed, “I ain’t the Archagent, not yet a’yway.”

“You still qualify as my superior anyway, sir.” The Draconian Dignitary replied.

Jack eyed the Dignitary with suspicion. “I just wanna be sure, ya ain’t fuckin’ ‘round with me, are ya? This job ain’t a joke, ya know. I’ll take no funny bus’ness from ya. Got it?”

“I would never joke about anything, let alone this position. I want this job more than anything.” The Dignitary replied almost with a hint of enthusiasm.

Jack looked up at the taller Dersite. Jack could tell that the Dignitary was not joking, but he was still cautious about this particular rookie. He felt that the Dignitary radiate an aura that told all those he meant business and he will do it smoothly and with style. Jack relaxed and gave the Draconian Dignitary one last glance. “Alright, rookie, you’re dismissed. I’ll review your paperwork and resume and whatever.”

“Thank you. I look forward to working with you, sir.”

Jack instinctively snapped defensively, “Sorry, but I don’t work with anyone. If you want the job done right, do it yourself.”

“Understood, sir. Thank you.” The Dignitary left without another word.

When the Dignitary was out of Jack’s line of sight, Jack couldn’t help but smile lightly. It was the first time he had smiled for so long. The Dignitary was so well composed and so serious, Jack felt an urge to maybe call him back to let him know that he would be allowed to have the honor of working as his right-hand agent.

Jack turned his attention to the paperwork on the desk; he sorted through the paperwork with the small hints of the smile still on his expression.  The Dignitary’s background was spotless and fulfilled every aspect Jack had hoped. 

He was still sorting through the files when the Administrator returned. “Ah, Jack, you’re actually working, that’s good to see. And, wait, you can’t be Jack. You’re smiling, and I know for a fact, Jack Noir never smiles.”

“Well, I guess I could say I found a potential right-hand agent.” Jack said with a hint of pride in his tone.

“That’s great, and how did Career Day go?”

“Pure hell,” Jack said without hesitation.

“Well, I was never a real fan of it either.”

“Really?” Jack asked in surprise.

“Yes and—”

A voice echoed over the fenestrated wall, “Jack!” It was the Black Queen.

“I maybe old but I still exist.” The Administrator grumbled.

Jack could feel his blood boil. He just hated hearing her voice. It was always bossing him around. Jack tried to hide his annoyance, “Yes, your Majesty?”

“Throne room, now,” She commanded before the wall shut off.

Jack groaned but then scurried to the throne room and found the Queen waiting for him.

“Hello, Jack.” She said to him in a playful tone.

Jack braced himself for whatever teasing was coming his way, “Do you need something from me, your Highness?”

“I want some… entertainment.”

“What?”

“I want you to entertain me. You know the King is away, right? So I want you to help me.” The Queen walked toward Jack.

“Uh… your Majesty?” Jack asked in worry.

“Play with me, Jack.” She attempted to pounce on Jack.

Jack leapt back in terror and stumbled backwards. He tried to make a dash for the door. He cried back to her, “I hope you realize that I AM younger than you… significantly younger than you.”

“Oh, Jack, don’t you realize that it doesn’t matter to me. It’s your duty as the Archagent to fulfill my commands.” She grabbed Jack’s uniform collar and held him against a wall.

“Y-you don’t want me.” Jack stammered. “And besides, I’m still not the Archagent.”

“Ah, but I do want you, very, very much.” The Queen kissed Jack forcefully.

Jack’s voice cracked in terror. He went for his knife and cut himself loose from the Queen’s grip. He made another sprint for the door. The Queen leapt for Jack again, she misses him, but managed to rip parts of his uniform.  Jack absconded and made a beeline for the Archagent’s office.

He burst in completely out of breath. The Administrator looked up to see his young apprentice at the door way, panting and even more exhausted. “Jack? Jack, what happened? Was it the Resistance?”

Jack shook his head.

“Rogue agent?”

He shook his head again.

“Crazy old guy? And I mean older than me.”

“No…” Jack finally got out.

“Then what?”

“Monarch… crazy… bitch… tried to… kissed me… and…”

“No need to say more.” The Administrator said.

“T-thank you.” Jack finally caught his breath.

The Administrator looked at Jack. “Jack, your uniform… you have an extra, right?”

“No.”

“Jack, that’s kind of…”

“I wash it every three days! Jesus, I’m not a slob.”

“Well, get a new uniform, or seven.”

“Whatever.” Jack grumbled and left the office for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the tone of the story the entire time. It's going to get a lot more interesting quickly. Title inspired by this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H9tgXcJAQc
> 
> The original story was intended just to be Career Day and Jack and DD's meeting but then I couldn't find a stopping point. The Career Day idea was actually one of the older story bits and I intended it just to be a short story.


	2. The New Archagent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I make too many references I only understand (for the most part) in this so I have the notes at the bottom. Also, sorry for the lame title.

The next day, Jack walked into the office, very exhausted. He was wearing his new uniform that he had bought just before he finally left.  He had a painfully restless night, a rough morning, and a new uniform that was unbearably itchy and too big.

Despite all these little obstacles, Jack managed to drag himself out of bed and force himself to work.

He walked into the Administrator’s office and found that it was empty, save the Cubicle of Vigilance. Despite the empty silence that haunted the room, the desk, piled high with paperwork Jack had consciously neglected, sported a slight difference. A note had been left on the clearest part of the desk and it was addressed to Jack.

“Shorty,

This may seem short notice, but there’s something we need to talk about. Meet me in the throne room. And do us both a favor and don’t ignore this note. This is an extremely urgent point I must make to you.

-SA”

Jack crumpled the paper in his fist, “I’m. Not. That. Short!”

He quickly recomposed his façade and made his way down to the throne room.

He stood before the entrance and cautiously looked in, still somewhat shaken by the Queen’s actions the day before.

He sighed with relief when he heard the familiar voice of the Administrator, “Ah, Jack, glad you got my note.”

Jack still remained behind the door, “Wait, what exactly is going on? Will this require me to get yet another uniform after this?”

The Administrator laughed. “No, but you will have much more work to complete after today.”

“What are you sayi—”

A new voice cut Jack off. “Sir, are you done hiding behind the door? It’d be easier to talk to you if we were face to face.”

“Is that the Draconian Dignitary?” Jack asked as he refused to come out from behind the door.

“Yes sir, Archagent Noir.”

“I told you already, I’m not the Archagent yet.” Jack retorted coldly. “I’m just the highest ranked agent.”

“Not anymore.” Another new voice said with an unmistakably mocking tone. Jack let out a small groan, it was the Queen.

Finally, Jack cautiously entered the throne room and found that all three were standing there, waiting for him, almost impatiently.

“Wait, what do you mean?” He finally got out.

“Must you have it spoon-fed, darling? It’s quite simple. You are the new Archagent.”

“Me?” Jack was stupefied with disbelief.

“Yes, you, Jack,” The Administrator replied. “Well, you start tomorrow. Your situation was quite interesting. You, out of the four Archagents proceeding you, you spent the longest in training. You had all the requirements you needed; all that was left for you was to pick your right-hand man.”

Jack blinked in shock. He felt like a total fool. “You’re kidding…”

The Queen answered with a smile, “He never kids, Jack. Like the Administrator said, you are going to start tomorrow. And I nearly forgot! You have two sick days. So, go out and enjoy your last real day off, Jackie.”

Jack left the throne room still in shock. He could hardly believe it. He was the Archagent. He was top dog! Well, he had a fuckton of paper work, but he was still the highest ranked. What a story this was, the little classless streetrat1 became the Archagent.

“Let’s write this down so all the little kiddies can read this as a bedtime story.” He said half sarcastically. But he really was quite proud of himself.

He began to make his way back to the lobby of the Towers when something knocked him to the ground.

“Oooohhhh Jackie~~! Guess whooooo~~~????”

Struggling under the weight of the carapace, Jack came to a terrible conclusion of the identity of the carapace that had tackled him. Of all Dersites, no carapaces, it had to be her.2 “Miranda. Get off of me!”

“Ah, no. So, did you get the position?” She asked with glee.

“Yeah, now get off.”

“Nope. But did you fulfill your promise?”

Jack struggled under Miranda’s weight only to put himself in an even more uncomfortable position. “What— ow! promise?”

“You promised to make me your right-hand agent, silly. How could you forget?” She said with her unusually cheerful expression.

Jack, now struggling to breathe, finally answered after a brief silence, “I… kind of… chose someone… else… someone more… ow! sane.”

Miranda’s expression turned dark and almost bloodthirsty, “Who?! Who dares to take my spot?! I demand to know!”3

Somehow with Jack’s amazing luck, the Dignitary had somehow found them. “Jack? Is that you?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake…” Jack mumbled.

Miranda jumped up off of Jack and went right up to the Draconian Dignitary, “You! Yeah you, who are you?”

“I’m the pen… ultimagent?”

Jack rolled over, still on the ground and slammed his head on the floor.4

“Never heard of it.” Miranda rolled her eyes.

“It’s a real rank.” The Dignitary tried to defend himself.

“Uh huh… yeah, sure.”

“Why are you here, miss?”

Miranda walked over to Jack and hugged him tightly like he was some kind of stuffed doll, “Why, I came to check on my precious little Jackie.”

“Well, I was going to go out for a drink with Jack.”

“I’ll come too!” Miranda jumped up.

Jack wanted to jump up and shoot her down, but the Dignitary continued on.

“Well, we had been planning this for a while now, and it was just going to be a ‘guys-only’ thing.”

Jack caught on and jumped up. “Listen, Miranda, uh… darling, I just want to have a normal day with a friend. We can… um… get together another day.5” Jack prayed she wouldn’t flip.

Miranda thought on this for a bit, “Well… okay!” She was back to beaming. “But, I’ll check in on you again soon, darling, you can count on it.”

Without another word, Miranda left the room. Jack sighed in relief. He turned to the Dignitary. “Thanks.”

“Anytime, sir, but, may I ask, who was that?”

“That, my friend, was my overly-attached ex.”6

“Oh m—”

“Don’t even say a word.”

The Dignitary threw his hands up as if surrendering.

Jack sighed, “So how about that drink?”7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1- I mentioned that Jack has started off extremely poor. I just thought I'd reiterate.  
> 2- Miranda is an old OC. she's anything but a main character. Her name is from an old fanfiction, and Miranda is the girlfriend of Herobrine (I have long since scrapped that story). I ran out of cool enough names so I reused hers. And it turned out to work quite well.  
> 3- Miranda's character is partially based on Belarus from Hetalia. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPGxourmRn8  
> 4- Facedesking with the floor. That's always an option, right Jack?  
> 5- Though I never wrote it in (due to me being forced to push the plot forward) Miranda and Jack do spend that day together... with Jack tied up as a prisioner in his own apartment  
> 6- She and Jack only dated for three days. Jack did it out of pity for his childhood friend (he never pitied anyone ever again) because she lost her boyfriend, Arrow, in the war on Skaia and she was also crying for weeks on end. (Reference to the ending I never wrote, though the positions are switched and Miranda is the one who was supposed to die.)  
> 7- JACK!!!! You're the Derse equivalent of 16, you're too young to drink!


	3. Of Agents and Harlequins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack's been Archagent for a while, and it's already driving him insane. Now about 400 lunar cycles old, the much anticipated Prototyping has happened. But it's nothing Jack expected. And it is already pushing him further off the deep end. But with the arrival of a foreign creature with no carapace and the strength of a thousand carapacian soldiers things begin to take an odd turn for Jack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES! A new chapter, it's been forever, right? Well, this one was actually one of the harder ones to write, as I totally forgot a major part, so I had to add it.  
> Now the plot starts to become more interesting as we get into the aspects of Jack's life seen during the events of Homestuck.
> 
> While I prefer to go along with the canon of Homestuck as much as possible, I WILL take advantage of my artistic license every now and again.

Jack sat at his desk. It was the same as when he first walked in that day he discovered that he was a Spade. Some things never change. He was bored, as usual. He hated it, but there was nothing he could do. It had been the same thing for ages. But that didn’t stop him from entertaining himself with a new obsession.

He continued to inspect his knife. It was a beautiful thing. He slowly ran his finger down the edge of the blade. It was not as sharp as it could possibly be, but it was still as lethal as he needed it to be.

Before he had a chance to even blink, a voice over the fenestrated wall snapped at him, “Jack!”

“Gah fuck!” Jack jumped a little and fell out of his chair. [1]

“Stop sitting around and call the agents together. I have left something for all of you in the meeting room.”

The wall flickered off and Jack groaned. The Black Queen was bitching at him, as usual. Dragging himself from the floor, Jack proceeded to walk over to the fenestrated wall.

“Whoever is actually listening to this announcement, apparently we all need to go to the meeting room for something, so try your best to get your sorry asses down there now.”

When he finished, Jack made his way to the meeting room himself.

\---

As Jack neared the entrance to the meeting room, a nagging feeling told him that something was not right. He brushed off the feeling and entered the meeting room where he found a few of the other agents. His attention was then drawn to a series of wrapped packages that covered the entire surface of the table in the center of the room.

He then turned to the door again and more agents had arrived. Jack picked up a random package and inspected it. It had been labeled with an agent’s title and barcode on it, but nothing really hinted at what was contained within the strange parcels.

With a sigh, Jack turned to the agents, “Okay, each seems to be addressed to each of us. I’ll read off the name and you come up to get it okay? First: Authority Regulator...”

Jack was left with only four parcels left before he finally found his, at the very bottom of the pile. Before he takes his own, he handed off a relatively small parcel to the Draconian Dignitary, a slightly larger one to the Hegemonic Brute and the Courtyard Droll got one that was over twice his size.

Before anything else crossed his mind, Jack returned to his office. He tosses the mysterious parcel on a desk behind him and continued to fill out the endless paperwork.

“Jack!” A voice came from the door. Jack did not care enough to try to recognize the voice.

“If you’re Miranda, go the fuck away, if you’re the Queen, please leave, if you are anyone else, come back tomorrow.” Jack grumbled without looking up from the paperwork. [2]

Jack heard the visitor sneak up behind him and pick up the parcel.

“Jack, have you even touched your surprise?” The visitor said with disappointment.

“Nope,” Jack replied briskly. “Oh, and I don’t care.”

“Please, Jack?”

“No.” Jack, still not turning around, heard something rip open.

“Please, my little Prince of Spades?” [3]

Jack rolled his eyes and slowly turned around. “Look, I don’t have any time for— oh my fucking god, what the everliving fuck?”

Jack stared at both his monarch and the contents of the parcel. The Queen had undergone changes to her form. She was reduced to only one arm and she had a scar over her eye. But what shocked Jack was that she was dressed in these bright clown-like clothes; completely contrast to Derse’s usual dark colors. And what was worse was in her hand was a set of similar clothes.

“No, I am not...” He stammered.

“Please, Jack, for me?”

“Especially not for you.”

“Fine, if you are going to be stubborn, I order you to put this new uniform on, immediately. And besides, this one is much better tailored to you than that oversized shirt you’re swimming in.”

“It’s not oversized, and it was either this or something half my size.”

“Well, are you going to put it on?” The Queen smirked.

“Um... here?”

“Yes, of course here, in front of me. No, you fool, in another room.”

“Fine.” Jack snatched the rags from her and went into a nearby storage closet and changed. The Queen was right that it was better fit to him, but the collar was tight around his neck and it was really, really itchy.

Jack sprinted back to his office, afraid of anyone seeing him.

“Aww, aren’t you the cutest!”

“Someone please kill me.” Jack grumbled.

“Oh, yes, I almost forgot!” The Queen smiled and pulled out another thing, it was a stupid hat. The smile seemed kind, but Jack knew better by now, that it was the Queen’s sadistic attitude towards him and all the joy she got out of making him suffer.

Jack stared in pure horror. He had dignity, and this was about to destroy ever last bit of it.

“Nope.” Jack ran for the door, but the Queen grabbed his arm and put the hat on him. She then proceeded to drag Jack back to his chair and forced him to sit back down.

“Now, isn’t that better, my little harlequin?” She smiled again.

Jack shouted in agony and slammed his head on the desk.

“Bye now.” The Queen left the room leaving Jack alone.

Jack stood up and promptly threw the hat on the ground and begun to pace, muttering to himself. Jack turned to one of the walls and he starts to scan the kingdom for whatever he can do to take his mind off the outfit.

Jack’s attention was then drawn to the prison, it was another prison break. The new prisoner had apparently broken out again. And all attempts to block the door with heavy objects had failed to stop the prisoner. Jack watched the imp try to slow the prisoner but the prisoner knocks it out a window.

“We’re gonna need a bigger safe.” Jack grumbled. He looked at the prisoner more carefully. He was definitely not a Dersite. His carapace was far too fair. But when some of the guards were trying to manhandle him, they claimed that he had no carapace, and he was some weird soft creature. Jack didn’t care what the hell the prisoner was and just told the guards to lock up him/her/it in the highest level security prison. Now that he had really thought about it, Jack considered the theory that the prisoner could either be a human, the supposed race that was going to occupy the session soon, or a really, really mutated carapace from the Veil. The former was probably more likely.

Jack was about to turn away from the wall when a voice appeared in his head. “Who’s this guy? Enter name.”

Jack looked around, now on edge, in case anyone dared to try to sneak up on him, but the room was empty, save him, the Walls, and the desk. “Um... hello?”

The voice then returned and suggested a name, “Spades Slick.”

Jack blinked in confusion before talking back to the voice in annoyance, “Spades Slick? Got a nice ring to it. But I know my own name. And that damn well ain't my name. Take another stab at it, pal.”

“Oh, okay, um... state you name and rank then.”

“I’m Archagent Jack Noir. I oversee the various affairs of the Dark Kingdom.”

“Jack, don the comical hat!”

“Are you fucking with me? I just threw this damned thing on the ground! I’d rather stick my head in a furnace than even imagine putting it back on.”

“Oh. How about you call a minion?”

“That’s better.” Jack muttered. He turned his attention to the fenestrated walls and used it to locate the Brute. The dungeon below was still in chaos.

“What the hell is going on down there?! I thought I told you to deal with the prisoner!” He shouted at the wall.[4]

“We’re trying, boss! The human keeps on breaking out! Not even our strongest safe can restrain him!”

“Why don’t you deal with him?”

“I’m trying!”

“Well, try hard—”

Jack was cut off as his transmission was interrupted by a familiar face. It was the Queen, again.

“Jack, why aren’t you wearing the hat?”

“I don’t wanna…” He whined.

“Jack!”

“Fine, fine… I’ll wear the damn hat.” He grumbled and pulled the too-colorful hat over his eyes trying to hide in it.

“That’s much better, sweetie.” The Queen taunted and the transmission ended.

Jack turned his attention back to the Brute. “What the in the everliving hell?!”

The human prisoner had apparently gotten out and started fighting the Brute. Actually, the Brute, despite all his ridiculous strength, stood no chance against the man.

Jack groaned. “If you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself.”

Jack ran out of his office and down several flights of stairs. On his way, he stumbled over himself and fell down a few. He charged into the dungeon only a little shaken from the fall.

Chaos was still at its peak. The imps clearly stood no chance against the prisoner and the Brute was just incompetent.

Jack charged the man, but he was nearly knocked to floor when the man punched him hard.

Dazed, Jack went for his knife and prepared for another attack. “Here, stick this down your pipe and bleed to death slowly!” Jack charged again, and was prepared for another attack.

But the prisoner reacted faster. Using a lighter, he set Jack’s hat on fire. Panicked, Jack tossed it off and leapt back.

The man stomped out the flame and sprayed it with some kind of white cream. It actually looked kind of tasty.

Jack’s heart was beating out of control. He took a breath and tried to calm himself. He jabbed his finger at the direction of the door and glared at the man, “Leave, you’re free to go.”

The prisoner, or rather ex-prisoner, did not seem to understand what he had said, but he seemed to understand the general message.

The Brute looked at Jack with confusion, “Um, Boss?”

“What?” Jack snapped.

“Are you allowed to do that? Not that I, um, well, why did you release him?”

“I don’t give a fuck if I’m allowed or not. I’m just grateful that he got rid of that damn hat. I had no other way to repay that debt.”

The Brute looked at Jack with a funny face.

“Stop staring, you big lug, come on, I have more important shit to do.”

“I didn’t know you were a carapace of honor.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “I may be really fucking nasty, but I have a sense of honor. But the whole of Derse doesn’t need to know, so keep your mouth shut or else you’ll find the sharp end of my knife through your heart.”

“Yes sir!” The Brute nodded.

Jack turned to leave when some of the remaining imps began snickering. “What the fuck are you laughing at?!”

“B-boss? You might not want to see your reflection...”

“Why?” Jack half growled. He turned to a nearby window and he felt as if he had turned as pale as a Prospitian. His new uniform had suddenly taken on new, absolutely humiliating attributes. It was no longer a tunic, but it was now complete with a pink skirt.

The Brute was holding in snickers.

“Shut the fuck up!” Jack snapped.

“Whatever you say, Princess.” The Brute broke down into fits of laughter. The imps followed in his manner.

“Enough! All of you! I am your superior! And you will cease this, immediately!” Jack shouted, though he felt hot under his carapace. He thanked the Eldritch gods he had a black carapace.

The Brute tried to recompose himself, “Yes, whatever you command, Princess Jack. Or should it be Princess Jacqueline?”

“You will stop this at once!” Jack shouted again, but to no avail. He shot a glare at the Brute before retreating up to his office.

Once he got back to his office, he grabbed his old uniform, (which he had rolled up and shoved in his desk earlier) and scurried to a nearby bathroom to change, slamming the office door behind him.

\--

Jack exited the bathroom back in his old uniform. He felt so content in it. As he was walking back he heard an unusual voice.

“Hello? Hello?” The voice sounded to kind to be from Derse. To Jack, it actually sounded very gentle. Like the tower bells on the day of the Lunar Eclipse, but softer. [6]

He walked back to his office, thinking over the possibilities of the owner of the voice. It sounded nothing like a Dersite, so it might’ve been a Prospitian. But Jack had never seen, let alone heard a Prospitian in person before. He made his way to the door when he noticed it was slightly ajar. He peered in and noticed a carapacian female with impossibly fair complex.

Jack blinked. Either she was some kind of mutant, or she was a Prospitian. She was definitely far more beautiful than he’d ever seen, but something told him that he should still be careful. [7]

Then he saw her reach for something on his desk. Though he couldn’t see what she was reaching for exactly, he still had to stop her. Jack entered silently before confronting her, “Can I help you?!” He half shouted.

The woman was clearly very startled by his entrance and nearly jumped half-way across the room. “O-oh, hello? Hi, um, are you Jack Noir?”

“You’re not from around here, are you?” Jack demanded, crossing his arms. “And yes, I am Jack Noir, what do you want?”

“Well, um, you see, I was told to find the Archagent, and I asked around and I was told that you were the Archagent and um, well... um, yeah.” She stammered.

Jack scanned her over. He was convinced she was a Prospitian now. She was clearly not Dersite material, being so easily startled and this nervous. Then his eye caught the parking ticket in her hand. He did not care to fill out the paper work involved with it, though it would be a good way to get her to start talking on who she is and why she came to Derse.

“You know, that ticket you’ve got there had better be notarized and punched in triplicate. Not to mention also presented with the full boondollar penalty plus processing fees, or you are wasting valuable time I could otherwise spend shirking my clerical duties. Got it?”

The woman easily broke under the pressure, “T-ticket? Oh, would you look at that! I’m holding a ticket! How did that get in my hand? N-no, this belongs on your desk with the others.” She laughed nervously.

“Uh huh...” Jack eyed her again, trying to unnerve her further.

“Okay! Okay! I got curious, okay? I’ve n-never seen a p-parking citation in my life. So I was c-curious to see what it was like,” She whimpered.

Jack could tell that was a lie, but he continued his interrogation, “So why are you here?”

“I-I came for the green parcel, there, s-see?” She pointed to it. “N-now, I’ll just take it, and be on my way, o-okay?” She reached for the parcel.

Jack blocked her path, “Now, sweetie, let’s just be clear,” He smiled superficially at her before reverting to his usual scowl, “I would rather stab something to death than process the avalanche of paperwork needed to release the confiscated freight. It’s much worse than any paper work any Prospitian would ever have to do. Also, seeing that you seem to be a mailwoman, I would think that you would have the pickup forms ready to go.”

“But, but...” She tried to protest, but Jack cut her off with a cruel smile.

“In spite of how I’m supposed to be dressed now but not, I ain't nobody's fool.”

The Prospitian woman suddenly raised her voice in defiance, “But, I have to deliver that! You can’t stop me! And nothing stops the mail! It is my duty as the Parcel Mistress to deliver that parcel to its intended recipient, and you can’t stop me!”

Jack shrugged with a smirk, “I’m sorry, sweetie, but things are different here on Derse. We can’t just let any carapacian come in here and do whatever they desire. We have very strict rules. And I must abide by them.”

“I’ll do anything for the mail!” She shouted in her defiant tone.

“Anything?” Jack cocked his head. “Like what?”

“Whatever you ask. Just let me deliver the parcel. Please.” She began to beg.

“Well, I guess I could bend the rules for the mail. After all, it is such an important aspect of life. Say, how about a deal?” Jack’s hand went for the regisword at his side. He unsheathed it and offered it to the Mistress. He then pulled out a hit list and gave it to her. “Bring me the crowns of your kingdom and I’ll surrender the package and ALL of its contents without question.”

“And what if you don’t?”

Jack scoffed at her attempt to challenge him. “Easy there, sweetheart, I maybe from Derse, but I am a carapace of my word.”

“Then swear on the Genesis Fr—”

Jack cut her off, “Don’t you dare finish that sentence! I’ll swear upon the Eldritch gods that watch over Derse, okay? I’ll swear on anything but what you were about to say.”

“Okay, okay, sheesh, I did not know you Dersites really hated HIM that much.”

“HE represents everything we fight against. Of course we hate HIM.”

“Whatever, you’ve got a deal.” The Mistress takes the hit list and leaves.

When she left earshot, Jack began to laugh hysterically.

“Oh man, this will be too good not to watch. She is a real fool. But seriously, why would she want this damn thing anyway?”

Jack poked at the box before opening it. He did say he would return it with all of its contents, but he didn’t say he wouldn’t peek. He carefully cut the box open and ogled inside. He stared at the strange contents for several seconds before closing it up and sliding it to the side of his desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some additional notes:  
> 1: People in my fics tend to somehow have a tenancy to either fall out of bed, fall out of their chair or something of the sort, it's something I've done since my first fanfic.  
> 2: This isn't the last you'll hear from Miranda  
> 3: Prince of Spades is a reference to Jack himself. The jack card is like the Prince in the deck and spades, duh.  
> 4: Because for once when you shout at a wall it'll respond! YAY!  
> 5: The stairs happened, Jack, the stairs happen, even to you.  
> 6: I wanted to say church bells, but I don't want to have religious chiz in my story AT ALL. so I instead mention bells that toll on the Lunar Eclipse, or the day of the New Year.  
> 7: Yes, I ship JackxPM. Though I prefer DDxSS, I still love these two.
> 
> Also I had SO MUCH FUN WRITING THE PART WITH PM!! Yay!!


End file.
